Disconnected
by VioletDew
Summary: "You know, sometimes I really wonder if you really loved me, Hiei." That was the last thing I said to him as I watched him leave. I thought he'd come back. But three years have passed with no news of him. Despite that, I still loved him. I love you, Hiei. Shonen ai. KuraHiei. Don't like, don't read.
1. Despite that, I love you

This was more of an emotional outlet than anything else, so some of the characters will seem OOC. I apologize for that, but in the end, I am only using these characters as an extension of myself. Of what aspect, I do not wish to say. As Mauberley from _Famous Last Words_ by Timothy Findley had written;

_'All I have written here is true, except the lies.'_

I admit that it's total crap because I wrote it in 15 minutes, but bear with me. Also, at the end of the chapter, I might add a song that I think fits the situation. I may or may not do that for every chapter though.

Please R&R! Constructive criticism would be nice. Or, just be nice.

**Disclaimer:** All characters belong to Yoshihiro Togashi. Songs belong to their respective artists, I merely changed some of the words in it.

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Chapter 1: _**Despite that, I love you.**_

Kurama's pov.

_"You know, sometimes I wonder if you really loved me, Hiei."_

That was the last thing I said to him as I watched him leave. We locked eyes for a tenth of a second. And that was all it took. I understood everything. For behind those ruby red orbs held nothing but pain. Hurt. He was hurt. I had hurt him through my thoughtless words. But before I could take back my words, he was gone. He flitted through the open window, without uttering a single word such as goodbye. I thought we'd meet again. No matter what, no matter how much we fought in the past, he always came back. I believed he would. But days flew by, weeks, months, years had gone by without any news of him.

And I knew why. The night before he left, he told me he was going back to the Makai to mate with Mukuro, to inherit her share of the Demon World. Of course power and status was the most important thing to a demon. There was no such thing as love in the Demon World. You mate for power, higher status, stronger offspring. And the weak crumble and die. That's life in the Makai. That's why I didn't object when he told me that he was mating with Mukuro.

_"If you love something, let it go."_

Now where have I read that before? Seemed to apply here though. He would not mate with someone like me. I may have been a powerful demon once, but I softened for humans. The very beings he despised. I stay with them, study with them, laugh with them, protect them. I knew how much he hated staying in this world. Yet, I was selfish. I wanted to stay. And he stayed with me. I guess he could only take it for so long. It only lasted 3 months.

He left.

He left.

**He left.**

After he left, I could not concentrate on my homework. Yes, I was still in college. And this was turning out very badly. Not only did I think of him at night before I fell asleep, I thought of him during lectures, during exams. My grades continued to plummet down, like a meteor crashing down on earth, back when it used to shine so brightly. How pathetic, Shuichi Minamino, who was the class' top student, was struggling to pass his exams. How pathetic, the great 'Youko Kurama', who had just a little more than a hundred lovers before this fire demon felt so empty after that demon left. How pathetic, To crumble down by myself. I feel numb. Every time I close my eyes, his ruby-red orbs appears, staring straight into my soul, followed by his childlike face, and his spiky black hair. Oh, how I missed combing my fingers through that hair that defied gravity. That hair which was so soft despite how it looked. It wore me out, thinking about him day and night. Not knowing how he was doing, not knowing how that last line affected him. Even now, every time I think of him, my chest feels tight, my heart pounds faster. I feel like puking. Have you missed someone so much you could not eat? Have you been so tired you feel like puking every time you woke up?

_-RINGGGG-_

Well, looks like that was another sleepless night. I looked at the alarm clock. 6am, huh? I have to get ready for college.

How long has it been since I last saw him? Nearly three years. In two days it would be three years. Three years without a word from him. Despite that, I still love him.

_**I love you, Hiei.**_

Suddenly, I remembered that thing I hid behind my books on my bookshelf.

This was something I need.

Of the nights we shared  
Mukuro is calling and you know it's haunting  
But compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright  
And when we look to the sky, its not mine, but i want it so

Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight  
(I know she's there and)  
You're probably hanging out and making eyes  
(while across the room, she stares)  
I bet she gets the nerve to walk the floor  
And ask my boy to dance, he'll say yes  
But I guess

That I can live without you but  
Without you I'll be miserable at best

You're all that I hoped I'd find  
In every single way  
And everything I could give  
Is everything you couldn't take  
Cause nothing feels like home,

you're a thousand miles away  
And the hardest part of living  
Is just taking breaths to stay


	2. Go now, go see your fox

Hi there! Sorry I took so long to update! I have been very busy with exams lately!

I also thought I should always mention the song I put at the end (if I do add one), so in the last chapter, the song is _Miserable At Best_ by _Mayday Parade_.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

Please R&R! Constructive criticism would be nice. Or, just be nice.

**Disclaimer:** All characters belong to Yoshihiro Togashi. Songs belong to their respective artists, I merely changed some of the words in it.

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Chapter 2: _**Go now, go see your fox**_

Kurama's pov

**Dream flower pollen.**

I have never used it on myself before, but I faintly recall reading something about it in the literature. It would seem using it on oneself would cause a slight side effect. This was because the controller's mind is usually conscious when erasing one's memories, but when the controller's memories are being erased, the controller's mind would be unconscious. I can't seem to remember what the side effect was though.

I stared at the small glass bottle of seeds that would grow dream flowers. I suppose it would not hurt if I studied more about the side effects before I attempt this. I looked at the time. 6.15am. After taking a minute to plan out the events of the entire day mentally, I had breakfast and walked to college.

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**ALARIC, MAKAI**

Normal pov

Hiei flitted through the forest and jumped through the window into his room in Mukuro's mansion. All he wanted to do was to go to sleep and not be bothered by anyone, especially after the mission Mukuro sent him on. Lying on the bed, he closed his eyes and sighed.

"Come in," he said, with his eyes still closed.

Mukuro opened the door and walked towards the lying figure on the bed.

"If you wanted to scare me, you should have concealed your ki," Hiei started before Mukuro could say anything.

"I could, but my intention was not to scare you," Mukuro replied, now standing in front of Hiei, waiting for him to open his eyes. When Hiei did not move, Mukuro sighed and continued, "I take it you've completed the mission?"

At this Hiei opened his eyes and glared at her. "Did you think I came back here without accomplishing anything?"

Mukuro smiled as she finally got a reaction. As quickly as the smile appeared, it vanished. She examined Hiei for a moment. _Still the same, eh? _she thought to herself. In a serious tone, she said, "Hiei."

Hiei eyed her suspiciously.

She sighed again. Seeing as that is the only response she is going to get from him, she continued, "I want you to take a break."

"What nonsense are you spewing this time round, woman?" Hiei spat. _Mukuro allowing – no, asking me to take a break? What the hell? She's testing me, huh. Seeing whether I would run away. _ His red eyes scanned her facial expression for any signs of mockery or mischief. Seeing no signs of whatever he searched for, he grew more confused.

"I do not like repeating myself. Also, provided that you carry out your duties, you are allowed to enter and leave Alaric whenever and as much as you want from today," Mukuro uttered, and turned away, preparing to leave the room.

"What the hell was that, woman? You've never given the guards a break if they don't ask for it, and even if they do, you still don't give them a break most of the time. And now you waltz into my room and ASK me to take a break when I didn't ask for it, and waltz out like it's none of your damn business?! I want an explanation." Hiei flash stepped in front of Mukuro and closed the open door. He glared at her, his eyes burning with anger and frustration.

Mukuro looked at him emotionlessly. She could feel her own anger rising. _Ungrateful little bastard. Here I am, being nice, giving him free access and a vacation, and he's getting all riled up. Has he not realized the way he's been acting? This is ridiculous. _ "Get out of the way before I blast you out myself, Hiei."

"I don't need those privileges, and I don't want them," Hiei hissed, but stood in place. He knew when she was actually serious about blasting him out and when she was not. He was going to get an explanation about why she's doing what she's doing.

"Stop acting like a spoiled brat, Hiei," Mukuro advised, knowing Hiei could see through her act.

"Well isn't that new?" Hiei replied sarcastically.

Mukuro glowered at him, "Enough. I do not need to explain myself to you."

"And I do not need to accept your terms," Hiei returned, frustration rising as he thought of all the reasons she wants to get rid of him. One particular reason infuriated him the most.

"Right, you don't have to, if I asked you to," Mukuro glared at him with eyes that warned him that this was his last chance.

Fuelled by his annoyance, he replied almost immediately, "I don't accept."

"Fine by me. Then I will give you your new mission right away, and you are to carry this mission out tomorrow," Mukuro stated in a dismissive tone. Hiei grunted.

"I'll take that as a yes," Mukuro said, the slightest gleam of mischeaf in her left eye, and continued, "well then, you are to go to the ningenkai and you are not to return to Alaric for 3 months."

"WHAT?!" That took Hiei aback. _What the hell is wrong with her, seriously?!_ "I knew it, so you were trying to get rid of me. Would I at least get the pleasure to meet your new heir?"

Amusement crossed Mukuro's face before she managed to regain her composure, "you are still my heir, Hiei, but you will not be if you do not take this mission."

Startled by her answer, confusion was evident on Hiei's face. "Have you lost your mind, Mukuro?! What the hell?! Care to give an explanation?!" Hiei stammered.

"No. Get out of my way. Now." Mukuro snapped. _I've wasted enough time. If he's not going to let this go, I swear I will blast him out._

Hiei felt the murderous intent emanating from Mukuro and slowly got out of the way. This time, he knew she was serious. Confused and dumbstruck, he stood there staring after Mukuro for a whole five minutes, before starting to pack his things up. _Women are so confusing. Screw their random mood swings. Why the hell do I have to go to the Ningenkai?! She knows I hate it there. This has to be some sort of sick joke._

As Hiei continued to fume and reach a comprehending answer to Mukuro's actions while packing for the Ningenkai, Mukuro sat back in her chair in her office, and wondered if she had done the right thing.

_You have no idea, Hiei. You're dedicated, and very hardworking. Even though I may seem strict, I do allow the guards vacations annually, at any time of the year they choose, especially now since the demon plane is at peace. The reason you think I never give them any is because they frequently ask for vacations. But you, you never once asked for a vacation since you returned nearly 3 years ago. Something seemed to be bothering you. Your eyes looked so empty. You would ask for missions after missions, refusing to rest. It was as if resting would kill you. But even I could see you were exhausted. Once, you had two goals. But you've accomplished it before I met you. When I met you, the only thing left for you was combat. You had nothing more you wanted, so you remained in that state. After you and Kurama got involved though, you had something to live for again. Now you're acting like the first time I met you. You have nothing to live for, even though I know Kurama is still alive and well in his ningen form. I don't know what happened between the two of you, and perhaps you don't know it, but you just get a little bit sadder whenever someone mentioned the great Youko Kurama. Time heals everything, or so they say. I thought I would give you time. But it has been almost three years, and your condition has shown no improvement. You gave me a birthday present that made me really happy. I was released from my past that haunted me. Now it's my turn to help you. __**Go now, go see your fox.**_

Take a breath, I pull myself together,

Just another step until you reach the door,

You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you,

I wish that I could tell you something to take it all away.

When I hear your voice it's drowning in whispers,

It's just skin and bones, it's nothing left to take,

And no matter what I do, I can't make you feel better,

If only I could find the answer to help me understand.

Sometimes I wish I can save you,

And there's so many things that I want you to know,

That if you fall, stumble down, I'll pick you up off the ground,

If you lose faith in you, I'll give you strength to pull through,

Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall,

You know I'll be there for you,

I want you to know,

I wish I could save you.

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I hope you liked it! This song here is _Save You_ by _Simple Plan_. I did change some of the words in this song too!

Please don't forget to review!


	3. For once, let me feel 'loved'

I'm sorry, I really do not have an excuse for the late update! I had the story ready, but I kept tweaking it cause it just didn't sound right. As much as I tried though, Hiei still seems a little OOC. Please forgive me. You know what they say though, love changed a person.

Please R&R! I had the plot of this story laid out, but now I'm contemplating whether I should let the story go in that direction. Suggestions are welcomed! Constructive criticism would be nice. Or, just be nice.

Disclaimer: Yu Yu Hakusho and all its characters belong to Yoshihiro Togashi, Fugi TV, Shueisha, Jump Comics and Studio Perriot. Songs belong to their respective artists, I merely changed some of the words in it.

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Chapter 3:** _For once, let me feel 'loved'._**

_Damn that crazy woman._ Hiei sighed, and looked around. He was almost done packing. After all, he didn't have much to bring to the ningenkai_. And if I needed anything, Kur- forget it. I wouldn't need anything else._

He laid on the bed and closed his eyes again. His heart was pounding. _Why? Why am I feeling so nervous now? _He tried to force himself to fall asleep. It would be a long journey to the ningenkai tomorrow. However, no matter how much he tried, sleep would not claim him. He was just too anxious. _I guess it's another sleepless night for me._

He thought back to the last time he saw the red head.

"Kurama." Hiei called firmly as he sat up on the bed.

"Yes, Hiei?" Kurama answered while he continued to finish his homework, slightly surprised by the use of his name rather than 'fox'.

"I have something important to tell you," Hiei continued, slightly annoyed that Kurama was giving him so little attention.

"Go on," Kurama replied, curiosity evident in his voice, yet he continued writing.

Resisting the urge to slice the red head's homework in half, Hiei took a deep breath and sighed. He knew he was going to hurt the fox anyway. May as well save the papers. "I don't think this thing between us is working," he uttered, gesturing back and forth between the fox and himself.

Kurama stopped short and turned around to stare at Hiei. "I beg your pardon?" He couldn't believe his ears.

"I…" Hiei started, but stopped as he saw the confusion on his fox's beautiful face slowly transform into hurt and horror, and perhaps a little bit of rage, but the rage was quickly lost in those emerald eyes. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. _Damn I need to come up with something, and fast. _"I am going back to the Makai to mate with Mukuro tomorrow," he stated firmly, finally opening his eyes to stare at the beautiful figure in front of him. _Mate with Mukuro? MUKURO? I must be out of my mind. Not in this lifetime. He's going to call my bluff. Damn, I can't tell him the real reason. I need another excuse fast._

"Okay," Kurama had said. Ruby red orbs blinked up in surprise to look at the red head as he heard that answer. In that second before the green eyed man turned around, Hiei saw the look on the other's face. Hurt. Crushed. Broken. He had completely crushed the heart of the one he loved most. _I am a cursed child, indeed. _He closed his eyes. _Let that face remind me of what I should not have. Let that face remind me of who I am. Let that face haunt me in my dreams_. He was about to flit through the window, before he heard a faint, "you are welcome to stay until you leave tomorrow," from the red headed man, who seemed to have busied himself with his homework.

Hiei had refused. How could he stay in the same room as the one he'd just hurt? How could he stay and look into those emerald eyes? _I wanted to stay._

"You know, sometimes I wonder if you really loved me, Hiei." _You stupid, stupid fool fox_.

With one brief last glance, without concealing his emotions, Hiei burned all of the beautiful redhead's features – his pale creamy skin, his long gorgeous crimson mane, those exquisite emerald green eyes, his soft lips, everything – into his memory.

And then he flitted out the window as he made a decision to never visit the ningenkai again.

Hiei's pov

Thinking back to it now, why had I done it? Why did I lie to him? Mate with Mukuro? As if that would ever happen in my lifetime. I don't despise her like an enemy, but I don't love her like I loved the fox. Somehow I wished he'd seen through me, and accused me of lying. I wished he'd asked me to not to leave. But he didn't. He even thought I never loved him. That was what stung. How could I not love such a beautiful creature?

Youko Kurama, Makai's greatest thief, loved and wanted by all. Added to that, Shuichi Minamino, perfect son and student, loved and wanted by all. He is loved and wanted by all in both worlds. But I saw the looks of disapproval in his classmates' and coworkers' faces whenever someone brings up the topic that Shuichi Minamino might be gay. On days when I was free, I would sit on a tree outside his school and watch him. Every so often after the incessant ringing of what he calls the 'school bell', I would overhear several ningen females who would utter something along the lines of "I wonder if Minamino-san will go out with me," followed by "But he's never gone out with anyone. He might be gay," and then those looks of disapproval and disgust would ensue. Sometimes I would overhear his mother and him talking over dinner. They talked about many things, and a a lot of the time she was very excited to have a grandchild. Kurama never told her about me, he never told anyone about us. It was as if he was ashamed of me.

Our fights got worse, and he seemed less and less interested. "I have exams" was one of his excuses. As if a genius with well more than a thousand years' of experience would need to study for a stupid ningen exam.

I watched him interact with these disgusting beings. Always looking so happy. At least happier than when we were together. He would always smile, oh how I loved that smile. I couldn't take it anymore. So I came up with a hasty lie. If only he called my bluff.

But he didn't, and we drifted apart. You were my dream come true. I'll always love you.

My entire existence has been a humiliation. I was an abomination and was thrown off the cliff as soon as I was born. The bandits who had taken me in after that turned away from me when I returned. Yukina – whom I've been searching for a long period of time, already have the idiot oaf Kuwabara. Mukuro appointed me as her heir, and I finally felt accomplished. But to everyone else, I'm still her second-in-command. Kurama – the one who had acknowledged me, welcomed me into his life with open arms, showed me how to trust and love, my first friend, my first love – would willingly betray me if ever his ningen lifestyle, whether it be his mother or his school life, was threatened. I was a liability, something which can be compromised. I will never be the best, never the first priority, and no one has ever regarded me with honor. I do not expect to always be first in everyone's life, but for once, I want to feel needed, wanted, and be placed as his or her first priority by someone who claims to love me. _For once, let me feel 'loved'_. I do not want to be a humiliation to yet another person.

Right from the start you were a thief, you stole my heart,

And I, your willing victim,

I let you see the parts of me that weren't all that manly,

And with every touch, you fixed them.

But you've been having real bad dreams,

You used to lie so close to me,

There's nothing more than empty sheets between our love.

We're not broken, just bent,

And we can learn to love again,

But these words were never easier for me to say or him to second guess.

Cause I know I'm good for something I just haven't found it yet.

And this will be the first time in 3 years that I'll talk to you and I can't speak,

It's been 3 whole days since I had sleep,

I miss the lips that made me fly –

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I hope you enjoyed it! This song here is _Just Give Me A Reason_ by _P!nk ft. Nate Ruess_, and I added bits and pieces from _Miserable at Best_ by _Mayday Parade_ that I did not use in Chapter 1. Yes, I did change some of the words.

Please don't forget to review!


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